18 | Portland, OR | Violin, Coding, Cooking, Photography

Tumblr can be a very negative black hole.

More bad nights.

I sometimes pause for no reason.

And then I realize how much has passed, and I wonder why time is slipping out of my hands.

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the lonely life is for me

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people and i just don’t mix

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the fate is just not mine

I keep laying awake at night, reflecting on my life and my choices.

I keep thinking about how I would do anything to travel back in time and fix my mistakes. I would love to push back the hands of time, and be able to undo the pain I have caused you.

Unfortunately, I never could have made it up to you. Even if I kept trying, the damage is already done. I feel helpless. I feel like this horrible person, whose selfish needs outshined your pain.

I can never forgive myself for that, and I will live with that mistake the rest of my life. I am sorry. I truly am. I like to think that I strive to aim for everyone’s happiness, but I clearly did not. At least, not this time.

I just can never forgive myself.

heart sink

more like heart dead now

I met a homeless guy. He was around my age: young, and stressed. He was having a rough time, and was visibly in need of support.

I gave him a few bucks and quickly shuffled to catch the MAX train before it left.

But then it hit me. We are so similar, we are both human. But yet, we can be in total different situations. Even so, we are all similar. Situations shouldn’t change that, they can’t take away our humanity. But here was the reminder, that people in such situations can lose not only their hope, but their humanity as well.

I met that homeless guy again, a week later. He recognized me, thanked me for earlier, and told me he got into a shelter. I felt so thankful he was doing better. I took him to dinner, and I asked him to tell me his life story.

His name is Daniel. He’s 19, asian background. Kicked out for bad grades in college, dropped out of college, and is now living the streets, trying to survive.

He taught me things about life that I shouldn’t take for granted. And wherever he is now, I wish him good luck in his future.

Time to enjoy the adventure alone.

Kayaking. Tokyo. Europe. Much to do. Much to see.

i am alone in actual support for my problems

I don’t really ask for help very much. I don’t usually have support, the way most people do. Family is distant, with two sisters and a single father.

Most days, even when people congratulate me on my achievements, I can’t help but feel still trapped. I always feel like a failure, I am never satisfied with myself.

And the worst is that I am going to be more independent and alone. I don’t even know if I can handle it. It churns my insides and makes me sink into the earth.

I am a failure to everything. Even though I try to help others, I am always reminded that I can’t be close to anyone. I just am unable to bring happiness to anyone, or to myself. The people who mean the most to me.